October 25, 2012
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Ballet on the playground
“You keep talking about that, but I think your social skills are fine.” Bryan said today. Once again, my rebuttal is the same “I worked hard to get them this way, ballet on the playground in grade school isn’t exactly normal.” This has come up a few times, where I try to describe the ostracism I felt as a child, and he tries to assert that my experiences in that area aren’t all that far from the norm, trying to help me feel a sense of connection, help me to not feel so incredibly different and weird from everybody else.
My mind paints the picture. Is it 2nd grade? 3rd grade? The rest of the class is playing handball at recess. I could try to play also, I’ve even tried it a time or two, but I’m not very good at it. I’m already the nerd. The teachers would make them let me play if I wanted to, but I know they don’t want me to. Of course I would be picked last. I’m not really fond of doing it either, except for wanting to be included as part of the group activities. The ridicule I would receive isn’t worth it. I don’t really know what else to do, so I do what all the adults say is the right thing to do: be myself. I’m in ballet, so I decide to practice at recess. I’m not very good at that either, but I have fantasies in my head of how really good I am at it, and how supposedly impressed everyone would be at how good I am, surely then they would come flocking to me to be my friend. Of course it didn’t work that way. Of course it just led to more ridicule, but I hide behind a bravado as though their comments don’t bite me to the core. I seemingly embrace my “weirdness”, making fun of how boring and ordinary everyone else is. In secret, I yearn to just be normal, to just be like everyone else. I desperately try to do so, and yet the concept eludes me. The reactions that come naturally to everyone else are foreign to me. I enjoy music, but the obsession with the person/group that created it confuses me. Physical attraction to some celebrity that you’ve never met and most likely never will is utterly beyond my comprehension. You want to talk about homework? Learning? Reading? Then you have my undivided attention.
Bryan tells me that in some ways, I’m still doing ballet on the playground. Doing things that I don’t even realize will draw attention to me, negative or positive. I think I might know a little bit about what he’s talking about (wearing the bright tie dye shirts, for example), but I’ll have to think more on it.
I intentionally did not leave Bryan any voice mails this week. It was one of the first things he commented on. He said (jokingly?) that he felt left out.
I had no sooner gotten out of Bryan’s office and started towards lunch when I got a call from my Aunt, saying that Mom is back in the hospital. I did not find this surprising in the least, considering that the nursing home had not given her her medicine for over 24 hours. For my Mom, that can be a fatal mistake. She came to the hospital because she had nausea, diarrhea and vomiting. She also still has those ulcers in her legs that still aren’t healing (the whole reason for her going to the nursing home was for wound care). When she got to the hospital, the resident under her normal Dr found that the nursing home had neglected to change her bandages even though they had gotten diarrhea on them. (eeeewwww!) Needless to say, everyone agrees that she will NOT be returning to said nursing home for a continuation of care upon discharge from the hospital.
There’s so much drama going on between my brother and my sister. They each want to bitch to me about it, which is fine, but I refuse to take sides. I told Bryan today that if he thought *I* was ever immature, pray that he never meets my siblings! I spent a large portion of my session today just bitching about my family. I love them, and I will do anything for them, but it’s really not good for my mental health to be spending this much contact with them. Drama, drama, all around and not a drop to drink!
Still no inspection notice. It’s kind of down to things that Bret is responsible for and that he really doesn’t want me to help out with all that much (like cleaning out the man cave, aka the basement.) It sucks that our washer broke on Monday, they should be out tomorrow to fix it. So now we have a whole week’s worth of laundry to catch up on, along with everything else, AND we’re supposed to go out to his Mom’s house on Saturday to show off the kids’ costumes and such. (I don’t ever remember going to my grandparents house for Halloween…. it’s like a whole ‘nother family shuffle holiday, complete with trick or treat! Why can’t they come to US if they want to see the kids! (OK, my Mom has an excuse for this one.) /whine.
Comments (3)
I like the analogy of “ballet on the playground”. In a way you want to be accepted, but you don’t know how to go about that. Maybe you could ask Brian to help you learn normal social cues? This is something I’m working with my psych rehab worker on. She insists I know them, but I insist to her that she’s crazy. LOL. I’ve just adapted a hell of a lot and there’s still stuff I don’t know. Like dating cues??? I really just think that a man and woman collide and then magic happens and bam two weeks later they’re dating.
@FallenSafely - Exactly! He insists I’m fine, but I think that’s just because the majority of his clientele is REALLY socially impaired, so yes, compared to them, I do have social skills. But out in the real world, where I’m supposed to know the rules of professionalism and diplomacy? I’m hopelessly inept.
@the_Coley_he_seeks - Yea I have issues around that too. The job market and all that stuff.